So, you probably know the cliche “boy meets girl, they fall in love and live happily ever after” types of stories. Everyone knows those types of stories. Everyone loves those types of stories. Well, unfortunately, this story isn’t like one of those. In fact, it’s probably the opposite. It all starts during the first month of 8th grade. I had what I thought was my amazing group of friends, including my “best friend” of 6 years, Belicia, and this year was especially more exciting for me because my friends were in more of my classes. Needless to say, I was ready to take on whatever this last year of middle school had in store for me.
But then, some new people joined our group. Leslie, her twin sister, Darlin, and their friend Anna. I had known Anna and Darlin from previous years, but Leslie I had never really talked to before. She seemed very nice, and her voice was very timid, like she was nervous when we first met. We naturally accepted them into our group and Leslie and I started talking outside of school. I realized we liked a lot of the same shows, and we would talk about them all the time. I don’t exactly remember when it happened, but I gradually developed feelings for her, but I wanted to get to know her before I expressed to her how I felt.
A couple weeks later, I thought that she felt the same way, so the night of September 19th, 2019, I told her how I felt. In a text. NEVER EVER do that, trust me. So I sent the text and waited. And waited. And waited. Two hours had passed, and I started to get anxious. My hands were clammy, my leg was shaking up and down, and my breathing was a little abnormal. Finally, after an eternity of waiting she texts me back saying, “Sorry Andrew, I only see you as a friend” and my heart immediately sinks.
I’ve had my fair share of embarrassing moments in my life, but let me tell you, this is near the top of the list. My cheeks were really red, and I felt a lump in my throat. I thought to myself, “I need to play this cool instead of making it awkward”, even though, let's face it, it already was. I guess I figured if I played it cool, it would be weird for a little bit, but then we could go back to talking like normal again. So I reply back, “Okay. I understand”. Then I asked her not to tell anybody in the group because I didn’t want them making fun of me for it, as I was already embarrassed. She agrees not to tell anyone, and I tell her good night, expecting to go to school the next day with no one knowing what happened.
Unfortunately, I was wrong. I went to the usual lunch table we sat at, and at first, it seemed like everything was okay. We all had a regular conversation, and Leslie was acting a little weird when I was talking, which, again, I expected given the circumstances of what happened the night before. But what I wasn’t expecting was all my friends avoiding me when we went outside to the parking lot. Everytime I would come over to talk to them, they would walk away without an explanation. This happened multiple times and I couldn’t put my finger on why it happened until I realized that Leslie was always the first person to always walk away from me, then it finally clicked in my head: “They all know.”, I said to myself.
She had told everyone in our group about my feelings for her. My “best friend” lived in my neighborhood and we usually walked home together, but not that day. That day, she ignored me and I walked home alone. I texted her that afternoon, asking her why all my friends were avoiding me. She told me that Leslie and everyone else in our group felt uncomfortable around me because of what I told her, so they just stopped talking to me, stopped sitting near me during classes, and didn’t want to be around me unless they absolutely had to. Losing my closest friends the last year of middle school was the last thing I wanted to happen, so one day, after weeks of walking home alone, being ignored, and eating lunch with no one to talk to, I made the stupid decision to text Leslie and ask her why she felt uncomfortable, and she replied in the worst way I could imagine. She told me in all caps that it was “F-ING WEIRD THAT YOU WOULD THINK OF ME IN THAT WAY”.
At that moment, I didn’t know what to say, so I just said, “Okay. I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable”, and left it at that. I tried everything, and I had almost lost all hope, until my counselor told me that I should try to reach out to Belicia again, and see if she’ll see my side of the story since she was my “best friend”. So I took her advice. I stopped her while she was walking home one day, explained to her my side of the story, and to my surprise, she sympathized with me, and she said that we were good. I was so relieved and thought to myself, “If I lose my friends, at least I’ll still have her to hang out with”.
That night was the first night I went to bed with hope in my heart, and positivity in my mind. The next day at lunch, I went up to talk to her, and to my demise, she told me that she didn’t care about what I was saying to her. And, I think that’s where my heart was shattered. The hope in my heart was gone. The positivity in my mind was nonexistent. In that moment, one thing and one thing only was true. My friends were gone. They wanted nothing to do with me. Heartbroken doesn’t even describe how I felt. I blamed myself for all of it. “If I had just kept my mouth shut and never told her, I would still have friends” is something I would tell myself. They started to say stuff behind my back, and whisper things about me when they thought I wasn’t listening or paying attention. My birthday was rolling around and my parents had asked me what I wanted to do and I told them nothing because I had no one to do anything with. So that night, we just went to dinner and talked about high school. With no one to talk to, I would eat my lunch and watch Netflix, and eventually Disney Plus when that came out. Those two streaming services became my new friends.
During lunch, the bus rides to and from school, and the walks home, it was just me, my streaming services, and my earbuds. It’s been 2 years since all of that happened, and I have better friends who I trust, care for deeply, and who are exceptional and glorious people and miles above my old “friends”. That being said, against my better judgement, I still miss them, especially Belicia, and wonder how they’re doing. Sometimes I tell myself, “There’s no harm in checking in on them”. But, I saw a really powerful quote the other day that said, “Missing them is not an excuse to reach out to them”. Once I read that, I realized that I don’t need to check in on them, because I wasn’t worth their time, so they shouldn’t be worth theirs. They don’t deserve it.
September 19, 2019 and 8th grade may have been a curse, but maybe it was also a blessing in disguise. I finally saw my “friends” true colors, and found way better friends than I could have ever hoped for. So thank you September 19, for all the toxicity and people you got rid of, and for all the kindness and people I gained in the process. And thank you Netflix and Disney Plus for being there for me when no one else was and I was at my lowest.